Skip to main content

That Diary 10 Years Ago

I was scanning through my files in my drive and found two diary entries written about ten years ago. The overwhelming and maybe staggering emotions here took me by surprise. And guess what, the person I dedicated this diary to, actually read it. Now the memories are coming back reading through it all over again. And it's amazing that remembering all those times only gave me happiness and peace. I was braver and bolder. Whatever happened to me now?

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

August 3, 2012 (Friday)


It’s been more than a week since he told me he has something to tell me. Honestly it bothered me. I felt excited yet at the same time confused and afraid. I let the day passed and to my surprise, he texted. Well, nothing’s new, he has this favor again. I did not mind. But I know at the back of my head I was actually waiting for him to remember what he’s suppose to.

That very night, he called me up. It was a long hour of conversation again. We were just comfortable talking. I mean we just talked whatever we feel to say. No matter how I try, I just can’t ignore the feeling of being happy at that very moment.

As our conversation went on, we came to the topic involving our emotions. I can feel it that we both felt awkward or uneasy with such subject. I breathe deeply.

From the very start I know what he is actually trying to imply. He just wants us to be friends. I’ve accepted this long before but this time it’s quite hurting but clearer in a good sense.

He doesn’t want me to assume. I sighed. I said to myself, “This is it.”

He told me again he is praying for someone else now. I dared to ask who that “stupid” girl is. I may not be so sure of how I will react but I just want to know for my own sake.

He let me guess the girl’s name and I guessed it right! Without being so bitter, but of all the girls why her? Well, I stopped asking because with all honesty I was just jealous anyway.

But then again, I’m not in the right place to be so paranoid about it. I don’t want to waste my emotion over and over again.

We agreed to be open with each other’s life without involving our emotions. How am I to do that? Maybe it’s about caring and loving each other as good friends do. Yeah! Good friends.

A good friend, the best role I could ever play my whole life. Crazy!

Still I thank him for being so honest and true. We both know who we are in each other’s life. We just want to enjoy the moment we could spend together. Be of help if either of us needs it. Being available for each other, that’s just how it is.

I hope and pray that we’re not on the wrong track. We’re both open to any possibilities that would happen along the way. There’s no need to rush. God knows what he is doing.

All I know right now is that I cannot dictate him to feel the same way for me. It’s not like the stories I write wherein I could decide for the main characters with whom they would fall for. Because this is what we call reality, in which God is the main author of every person’s life story.

I just pray that we would both grow more in the Lord. I pray that we will not become each other’s hindrance as God would lead us to his greater purpose of our lives.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰


Then just a few days later, I wrote another entry and the tone here is much more mature. It must be the Holy Spirit guiding me and giving me wisdom. 😊


〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

August 5, 2012 (Sunday)

Just recently, I stumbled upon this line which says “To protect relationships, we don’t force it to happen, we pray for it to happen”.

Time is too fast the past days that I lost my senses and decided for something which is supposed to be heeded a hundred times.

Still, it’s never too late to weigh things and decide again as God gave me the opportunity to do so.

After our conversation that night, I felt so uneasy. Though we agreed to remain “special” friends, it somehow bothered me.

I came to the point of asking myself, “How special is special?” “Is he just making me a reserve or an option?” ” “Are we really doing the right thing?”

I am letting myself be boxed within a certain situation which is hard to escape and that would surely affect a big part of my life and those involved.

Honestly, he’s being too unfair. Not just to me but to her future wife as well. I feel the need to end the agreement right away. He’s just so selfish.

I could no longer allow myself to be attached to him despite the agreement. I don’t want to play anymore the role he has given me in his life.

I’ve seen warning and danger signs ahead which tell me to stop driving the road I want to take. I also need security because I don’t want to waste any time and emotion and regret in the end.

I desire to be a good wife of my future husband, emotionally whole, and if I still continue to remain the intimacy with him then I am doing the wrong thing.

I should reserve that intimacy and friendship for the one who deserves me.

It would also be unfair to the girl he’s praying for. Because I believe that if he has really desired for this girl in whom he could spend the rest of his life with, then as early as now, he should learn to be open to her and not to me.

I’m not getting any younger. The decisions I make should be taken slowly and maturely. It’s not as easy as deciding what food to eat or what clothes to wear. It’s far more than that.

I will always be around if possible. I’m still willing to listen and to be one of his friends but I am not the one he can call “best friend” or “special” friend.

This is a mind over heart thingy. It’s a firm decision. We should not force or create a relationship which God does not want us to have.

I am certain now, I have to end this. We need to end this. I guess I have to talk to him if God permits.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

I am so amazed how God has protected my heart at that time. Looking back, it is one of the best decisions I ever made. Now, I could laugh about it but really, the strength I had back then is something I wanna have again.

This photo was last Winter, this post is uploaded
in Spring, and the diary was written in Summer. 
I hope something awaits in Autumn.

Seasons!

💕💕💕

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Filipino Stores and Restaurants in Tokyo

For somebody who craves for Filipino food and snacks from time to time, here are the stores I frequent to. I can only share a limited perspective but solely based on my experiences. Read on! Filipino Stores 1. Asia Yaosho (Kabukicho, Shinjuku)  While they mostly have Filipino products, they also sell Thai goods. I think their prices are a little lower than the other Filipino stores I've tried. However, they have limited stocks and they often run out of items that I usually need, like Bearbrand. 😁 Credits: This photo is from this website .  2.  Ameyoko Center Underground Marekt (Ueno)   This market is heaven for Southeast Asians. They have a lot of varieties, dry goods, frozen meat, and even fresh seafood. There are also two Filipino stores in the area. They sell more items than Asia Yaosho but they are a bit pricey.  Credits: Photo is from this website. The market is underground. The entrance is on the side of this building at the center of this photo.  3....
Post a Comment
Read more

Seven

Favor! As I was preparing to apply for this job, I felt that certain peace and assurance that this would go well. True enough, I got shortlisted for an interview. But it wasn't only an interview, there was also a written exam and a teaching demo. All happened in one day. Then the waiting starts. Two months to be exact. This position isn't always available. It's uncertain how many teachers the city would accept in a year. And a lot of us would want to get in. The perks and benefits that come along this direct employment are something foreign workers are longing to have. Then they called me and told me I was first on the waitlist. We were all put on the waitlist. I heard there were over a hundred applicants. Less than half got called for an interview. Then about twenty were considered for the position. But it was still uncertain how many of the twenty will successfully sign a contract. Another week passed when I finally received a mail. It was the contract package. Then they ...
Post a Comment
Read more

But Before Summer

Today, I held back my tears as I was watching my student hitting his head while saying, 'Atama ga warui' which literally means 'My head is bad'. The more precise translation would be 'I'm stupid' or 'I'm dumb'. The students were using their school provided tablets to do some listening tasks and yet this particular student was just carelessly tapping the screen, opening random school apps. So I approached him and tried to help him navigate the school portal. And as soon as we could open his digital workbook, I left him so he could find the pages and the audio file on his own. I went around the class to help the other kids. But I would from time to time check on that student at a distance. Then not long, he started hitting his head again and repeatedly telling himself 'I'm dumb'. It was so painful to watch. But then suddenly one classmate sitting next to him stood up and helped him and another one followed. I was moved by such sight.  H...
Post a Comment
Read more