Nanay 💕

To help me overcome grief, I wrote my heart out and just let the pain come out through these words. And by reading them over and over again, perhaps my heart will also find its rest.

January 10, 2022

Nanay will be laid to rest on Saturday. I am still unsure whether I have accepted her fate or will I ever accept it? When will the pain go? Truly, losing someone you dearly love makes your world stop. I often get that anxious feeling. Physically, the anxiousness manifests through uneasiness, I have that feeling in my stomach that I can`t explain. I want to throw up or eat a lot or punch my stomach. Sometimes, I stare at something blanky other times, I get trouble sleeping.  

Then I would suddenly cry. The reality of not seeing her anymore would start to kick in. If I stay here (Japan), I would lose my sanity in no time. If I go back home, I won`t be able to get over with the grief.  

While I was asking God to comfort me with his words, He told me to be humble. I didn`t know what that mean, well I`m kind of upset why that word.  

Then it dawned on me that life after all is not about ME. That whatever may happen, in the best and worst times of your life, the glory still belongs to GOD. If God is magnified in your grieving, then that`s all that matters. 

You see everything that we have and all that we are, are all borrowed from God. That life will just go on although you are still hurting. But don`t get me wrong, God still cares about our suffering and those feelings that we go through in life. However, the moment that you keep magnifying the hurt, the pain, and the loss you are undermining God`s power, God`s leading, and God`s divine plan. 

So that`s why we must ask ourselves, where is God in those? 

💓💓💓

January 21, 2022

I am in pain Lord and I am mad at you. If only I can kneel before you and wash your feet just to ask you to bring back Nanay, I definitely would. But allow me to say these words, why do you have to hurt me so much? Why is my suffering prolonged? 

I`m sorry that I have to ask you these words Lord. 

I am halfway through life and this is just one of the many sufferings I will ever encounter. I will be dealt with heavily until I have none left but Jesus. I will fail you Lord many times.  

I have to try keep moving forward because life still has to go on. 

Whoever invented time must have realized that life keeps on. That the lives lost cannot be brought back. 

What I have to do right now is to cry until no tears left.  

I must not think of the prize for this suffering coz I already have it – Jesus. 

I must take care of the people I have now. Relationship is still so much more valuable than any other material things, achievements, and comfort in this world.  

When we die, we won`t be able to take everything we have but the relationship we built can be passed on to generations that come. Inheritance may also be passed on, but it`s not life changing nor gospel magnifying. 

I don`t know my next steps. I just want to live every day as it comes. One day at a time.  

One day at a time.  

Right now, this year is all gray. I am done doing things my way for the past years. 

💓💓💓

January 28, 2022

Last night, I cried so much knowing I won`t be able to touch and hug Nanay. 

Going home and not being able to see you, and hug you, and hear your voice are too much to bear. I`m still not convinced that you already left. I just hope that you felt our love and care for you. I will not get over with this pain soon. I`m not strong Nanay. Till we see each other again, Nay.  

I just hope that while you lived, we were able to show you how much we love you. I hope you were proud of us. Nanay I`m not strong. I am not . There was never a single day that I didn`t think of you and Tatay.  Just when I thought I`ve reached the lowest point of my life. 

Of all the things that I don`t want to experience this happened. All I know is that I am so weak and vulnerable right now. That kind of feeling that is killing you every single waking day.

I am in no position to talk of these things.  I hate this feeling so much. It`s so painful I just want to disappear soon. I can`t understand Lord. Well, I can but I can`t accept yet. Not Nanay. 

💓💓💓

Silver gray hair, neatly combed in place. There were four generations of love on her face. She was so wise, passed her eyes.  ♫♬♪

February 4, 2022

Carry me in your arms, cradle me with your lullabies. 

I just watch her photos and videos. Hoping these would ease the pain of not having her anymore. 

Nanay I am not strong. I will breakdown soon. Nay, help me nay. I am so hurt Nay. Help me remember all the good memories that we have spent together. Nay I still want to make beautiful memories with you. Why did you have to go Nay? Nay I will still tour you around. We can still go to Boracay. Nay I want to buy you expensive stuff Nay. I want you to enjoy life Nay. 

Whenever we have video calls and I ask you what you want me to bring you, “Wala kay tiguwang na ko, uli lang” and so Mama would not want us to talk often as it makes me miss all of you.  

My greatest regret is not being able to share to the gospel to you. For missing a lot of times in telling you about Jesus. And in order to compensate that irresponsibility and complacency, I prayed to God to keep you until I come back so as to compensate the times I lost and avoid feeling so guilty. 

But God always has decisions and plans that would break us into pieces.  To teach us that our lives are borrowed. That everything in this world is by God and for God. And all that happens is not beyond his sight. The world was never created for me and you. It is God`s pleasure that allows the worst things to happen. It is all for Him.  

The only thing certain in this life is God`s grace greatly manifested in Jesus. 

If keep regretting about the time lost, I will end up defeated. I cannot be defeated. I still have to win more in life. Win more souls for Jesus. I pray that Nanay believed in Jesus. Nanay knew Jesus. I cannot judge her walk in life as she is not the religious type. I hope that once in her life she uttered her faith in Jesus and nothing else. That she was able to ask for forgiveness. I miss Nanay badly. 

I can move on but not too soon. And I think it will take even longer for God knows when. Just give me strength and endurance Lord. No, I don`t want to pray for myself. Can I pray  for Tatay instead. It`s not easy being alone again. They`ve been married for about 50 years and I thought Nanay would make it. I already have laid the plans. 

💓💓💓

The last call. 

March 12, 2022

Let me view death not as punishment for sin. How should I view life this time? How should I keep walking in your light when inside of me there`s that feeling of darkness and gloom. Allow your light to shine upon me Lord. I want to return home literally but home is you, and you are with me, and so help me feel home wherever I go. Tell me how it is to live for a day? Is it not just thinking about what I`m gonna do the day after?

I have to accept the truth, the reality that not everything is under my control. That although I failed, I can still get back on track. That God calls whom He calls, He chooses whom he chooses. But next time I have to be more intentional in sharing the gospel. And I have to remember that Jesus is not a fire insurance policy. Jesus wants to have a relationship with us. Jesus is calling disciples not merely believers. 

Now, a lot of things are going on in my life. There`s too much chaos. So more than anything else, I want to have peace, joy, and contentment. I will still praise you Lord. I knew that I have sinned against you. I knew that you are disappointed of me. I knew that I have to experience all of this. But I also knew that your deliverance is not beyond reach.  

💓💓💓

April 1, 2022

Today I cried listening to the song For Good. This song is a favorite and is supposed to remind me of people that have touched my life. I think of a few people. But listening it again today made me realize how I have lost the time and chance to thank Nanay. It should have been Nanay after all.

This grieving still sees no end. But at least I can smile now.

I will keep updating this post until I will have moved on from this pain...