Envy Is Where My Heart Is

While I am enjoying teaching in an eikaiwa, I thought that I am always disposable, replaceable anytime. Anybody can do my job. This is my hard truth. So I wanted to do something else - something that not a lot of people can do. What could be it? What?

I might have made a mistake in choosing this field. Why everything feels not right Lord? Maybe I can study again? Pursue higher education? Or take up law? Or do business? What Lord? What?

And in my longing to seek for more, I found my heart covered with envy.

I am envious of people who have achieved more academically.

I am envious of people who are running their own businesses.

I am envious of people who are earning more.

I am envious of people getting more in life but are in no comparison to me.

See? This is how ugly my heart is. This is the heart that praises God at the same time.

This is the heart that follows Jesus. This is the heart that Jesus died for. This is me. This is an ugly sinner me.

And now, I am envious of people who are just happy and content.

I don't know how to end this write-up but I want to put it here for me to remember the pain and this dire need of excelling out of arrogance.

My human heart is just so frustrating.

P.S.

I know that a lot of people wanted to come here in Japan both to travel and to work. I love this place. It's just that my heart is so ugly at this time. So so ugly and is full of envy.

😖

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