Summer Diary

In life we cannot dictate what will happen along the way. Though we hope for certain moments to happen, it doesn't affect the reality. All my life I did not wish to have a roller coaster love affair. I just want it so serene and full of love. I just want to love and be loved. The kind of relationship founded in the love of Christ alone. Let me share to you the time when I was trapped with my emotions and was drowned in this sudden feeling of infatuation. I was torn between two people I wasn't even sure of what they feel for me.

To hide their real identity lets call them Mr. Wrong-time and Mr. Wrong-guy.

Mr. Wrong-time is a good friend of mine. I've known him for such quite a long time and he’s been special to me. He’s one of the few people I trust the most. We've spent a lot of moments not together but with our group of friends. I never imagined him being committed to me nor me to him. He wasn't my type. He doesn't even have this certain quality I look for a man. Though he has a good disposition in life and is talented still, that did not attract me. 

One time, we got each others’ phone number and started communicating. Until I realized that I’m starting to miss him every time I can’t see his name appear on my phone. Time passed and I started to feel that I’m already attached to him. I always get excited every time we see each other during weekends for Sunday service. There’s a special thing that sparks the moment we stare at each other. I get to know him so quickly and absorbed it just then. Every hour every day we update each other and feel so comfortable about it. I know where he goes and who’s with him and vice versa. He is getting sweeter day after day.

It’s undeniable that I was slowly falling for him. One day, he asked me if this certain Mr. Cute is courting me. I lied and I said, “Yes, for two weeks now”. From then on, he teases me with this Mr. Cute which makes me giggle yet is making me more irritated. If only I could tell him everything I feel. (Sigh) I decided to tell him the truth about Mr. Cute who is a common friend. Why we’re so close and keep on communicating on Facebook. I thought it was fine. 

Mr. Wrong-time got angry with me and ended our communication there and then. He can’t even seem to recognize me every time we see each other. He was avoiding me and it’s too obvious and it hurts me. I tried to apologized and asked if we could just forget about it. After all, it wasn't an issue of life and death. Questions and doubts were running to and fro my veins and it makes me feel uneasy. I never heard a word from him. Everything ended abruptly. I was so sad and regretted. Days? Weeks? Months? How long will I still wait for us to bring the special friendship back. 

I was missing him so badly. I came to my senses one day and started to pick up the pieces. I needed to bring back my lost self and try to forget what we had and act as if it was just a nightmare. It was hard for me because there are a lot of things that connect us. I prayed and write and write and write. I was slowly healed. Thank God.

Mr. Wrong-guy was just an affair which came with the summer heat. He was my classmate in one of my minor subjects and became my group mate for our final project. It was just too rush that I didn't notice I was becoming comfortable with him. He’s intelligent and kind. I enjoyed time talking with him. He said he admires me and treats me with high respect. I never met such an expressive man. 

Sadly, he’s in love with someone else. He is committed for almost a year now. It was late for me to know it because I knew I was falling for him. I admit I was hurt and felt so down. One day he told me that he and his girlfriend broke up for some reasons. I smiled. (Wait) What kind of reaction was that? Still, I know how much he loves his girlfriend. He still can’t move on. I hate it because he tells me about it. Still I went on with my life and forget the feeling. I did what I can to stop it and I hope I made it.

If only I did not assume, until now I am still emotionally pure. However, I am just being a woman who loved and became vulnerable. At least I proved that my heart is not made up of stone rather is full of blood passionately flowing because of the intensity of love. If I could still turn back time maybe I still hate love songs and romantic movies. I would not appreciate Romeo and Juliet nor get carried away with 50 first dates. Maybe I won’t listen to my friends about their heartaches and boyfriends nor giggle when their crushes pass by. Maybe I won’t read books about love and relationship nor dream of my future wedding. And if I’d turn back the time, I would never know how to write these things which I know came from depths of my emotions.

If you’re asking what happened to them, well, Mr.Wrong-time became a good friend. No more gaps, no more pain just friendship. I value what we are right now and enjoyed moments with him without expecting and assuming. With Mr.Wrong-guy, we’re still friends too. We communicate for some time and it doesn't hurt me anymore. See? That’s just how it is. I don’t keep grudges anyway. The memories may not fade but at least the pain did.

After what happened, I was able to value the patience in waiting. No need to rush. God knows when, how and who. My part is to wait, do his business, make myself available for the Lord, and enjoy my individuality. Thank you for reading☺

*photo not mine